The Perfect Man

Although anything to do with dating is not allowed, or perhaps because of this, my female students are actually very interested in boys. One day as a writing assignment, I had my students describe their ideal husband. The immediate reaction when they saw my question was to laugh and blush, and then the room got quiet as everyone began busily writing. Most of them liked the topic and had plenty to say.

Overall, they rated personality as a bigger factor than looks, although they had detailed hopes about both. Personality-wise, they want someone like their own fathers – patient, kind, responsible, and loving - someone who they can have a real relationship with and talk to like a friend. I have compiled some of my favorite remarks:

-I want who is inside very kind and tender

-gentle, has sun-tanned skin, quiet and polite with a low voice

-know how to respect women and deal with them like his original family

-romantic and listen to me very well

-strict and into Islam, do his prayers and jobs on time

-discuss with me about everything because I love reading different subjects

-He is not perfect, just a normal person who made his life by his own hands

-He likes to surprise me, he is funny and always telling jokes

-be my friend and husband in the same time

-be with me in sad and happy days all my life

-Someone who trusts me, shares everything together, allows me to choose his clothes, stands by me forever

-He loves me until dying

-I want him to love his kids more than anyone

-sometimes he cooks for me

-sees his wife as the most beautiful in the world

-I like a man who never says no to me

-I want him to be generous, chic, beautiful and rich

-I want him to be adventurous and love to travel

-He must share with me the life and be honest with me

-I want him to be strong and sometimes angry so I could fight with him so that our life will not be boring.

For appearance, they have in mind a tall, handsome Saudi man.

-taller than me about 20 cm

-not more beautiful than me

-It would bother me if he had a beard

-His smile is beautiful and he is strong and cute at the same time

-He must have beautiful hair

-I want my husband beautiful and care about his style and have a nice smile and clean teeth for sure

Their responses also had some very sad undertones – revealing that they know full well that their high hopes are just dreams.

-A perfect husband doesn't have any other women. A perfect husband doesn't keep secrets from his wife.

-He must be patient, I mean not aggressive. If he has a strong body, you know what he can do. One slap will be the day to pass away.

-If it is a reality [getting married] I will cry because I don't want to leave my family.

-I don't think I will find a person like this so I am just dreaming.

The students are quite aware that they are, in many ways, still children. They acknowledge that their grandmothers, who married in their teens, had to be very strong. Girls like my students now have a far different life than their ancestors – a life of friends, malls, and endless entertainment with very little responsibility of any kind.

I made a list of desirable characteristics on the board, and when I had written down all their suggestions, I gave them a few scenarios. “Let's say,” I began, “that a guy comes to you and he's perfect - he has all of these things! But, he's this much shorter than you.” I held up my fingers about three inches apart. Their faces turned to disgust and the class echoed with choruses of “No, teacher, no, no.” “Really?” I asked. “No one?” In one class, not one student would accept a man who was shorter than she was, while in the other, a small handful of girls said that would be ok if he had the other desirable traits. 

Then I went on to ask, “What if he's perfect in every way – he's tall – except he's two years younger than you.” Again, they were appalled, all of them shaking their heads with the exception of two or three girls. At that point, I mentioned, “That's very interesting! Did you know that my husband is this much (3 inches) shorter than I am AND he's two years younger?” They gasped and laughed and then started saying things like, “Well, it's different in America. It doesn't matter so much. And here, Saudi boys are not responsible if they are young!” 

I can see their point. Judging by the students in Josh's class, there is no way they are ready to be married! Also, considering that girls get married anywhere between 18 and 25, a man a couple of years younger could be quite young indeed.

The Perfect Woman

Later, I asked my students to describe the kind of woman they thought a man would want. Their list included descriptions such as tall, curvy, healthy, with big eyes, light skin and long black hair, shy, not talkative (here I interjected that that would be a big problem, and they laughed), smart but not smarter than him, a good cook, loving children, young, not spoiled, not a big shopper, and patient. 

I casually mentioned that since my husband teaches at the men's campus, he would ask them about their ideal woman. Immediately after I said this, the class erupted into energetic Arabic chatter, and when they finally switched back to English, they said, “Yes, teacher! And tell us what they say! And tell them what we want for a man!” It was so funny that I had to laugh. Another funny thought popped into my mind: a pen-pal match-making project between my class and Josh's! Of course that would be impossible unless we wanted to get fired. I could just picture the headline: “American couple deported for arranging lustful opportunities between male and female students.” Ah, yes. Such an idea would be merely an entertaining project in any other culture, but here it is absolutely forbidden.

A few of my students this semester are going to be married this summer. I asked them to tell me about their “first glimpse” meeting with their suitor. One girl said she didn't want to be present when the man came to talk to her father, but her father insisted that she bring the juice to them. She was so nervous that she could barely carry the juice without spilling; this was, of course, the first time a man from outside her family would see her as a woman without an abaya. She didn't spend any time in conversation with him, yet this summer she will be his wife. Another girl said she saw her suitor for just a few minutes. She didn't ask any questions of him; she merely answered his questions about her hobbies and studies.

When Josh brought up the topic with his students, it seemed the men were mostly indifferent about what kind of wife to have. Most of them were more concerned with how many wives they wanted rather than with what kind of woman they would like. When you can have multiple wives, it really doesn't matter if you like your first wife or not – you can simply get another one. It was quite clear that the men don't (at least not yet) have the same desire for a real, personal relationship with a woman. Do they want a wife who has attended university? It doesn't matter. Do you want a wife who works or stays home? It doesn't matter. Do you want a wife who is smart, responsible, funny, a good companion? It doesn't really matter. 

Since the girls asked me incessantly to report back on what the boys said, I simply told them that what they had imagined was about right, and that they were definitely right about the boys needing to grow up before they got married.

Multiple Wives

I had more questions for my students about the multiple wives situation. Where do they all live? I suspected that the husband, the wives, and the children all lived together, but that is often not the case. “No! That would be impossible,” said some of my students. “They would fight.” So, a rich man can have an entire house for each family he has! Amazing. This means, of course, that the father rotates around to each family, spending a night at each. But some men keep their large families within one house, especially if it is a big apartment-style house with sections for each family. 

I asked them what they thought about having multiple wives. I expected them to say, as many of my other classes had said, that they hated it. However, some of them defended the need for more than one wife. “What if the first wife cannot have children?” they said. “Or what if the man wants another woman, but he doesn't want to leave his first wife?”

Boyfriends

Though having a girlfriend or a boyfriend is strictly forbidden, it does happen. Some of Josh's students have girlfriends that they send text messages to or try to meet occasionally. However, they have no intention of ever marrying their girlfriends. In their minds, how could those girls be good Muslim women if they're chasing after boys? They want a pure woman for their wife. 

I have no idea how many of my own students have boyfriends. Among the girls, no one would ever admit to having a boyfriend in front of the class, and of course I don't ask. They could get into serious trouble. However, I had one student confess to me privately that she does have a boyfriend, the brother of one of her close friends. They hope to be married one day. I'm not sure about the chances of their relationship ending they way she hopes, but for her sake I hope it's a possibility. She has one photo on her cell phone of the two of them together. Naturally, she is worried about her family ever seeing this photo. “My parents would kill me. Well, not kill me,” she clarified, “but they would be upset.” Eventually, her boyfriend hopes to ask for her hand in the accepted way.